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Red Flags

This list has been made by @stardustmommy - Copyright is hers. This text has been copied with her permission.

Original list on Twitter

Red Flags

A subjective list by @stardustmommy

This is a lot

Yes, this is indeed a lot.

These red flags are more nuanced and certainly harder to describe. These are not topics that are easy to summarize or simplify but I’ve done my best.

Please feel free to share experiences, resources, or advice in the replies. An educated BDSM community is a safer one for everyone.

Cum and go.

My dearest doms, you are not merely a means to an orgasm. If someone makes you feel that way, it is a bad sign. It is not your responsibility to constantly be a turn on.

Very Yes

Consent Confusion

Consent should not be something that anyone is confused about. No matter how cute, shy, or nervous the sub is, they should not be engaging with you sexually without your consent.

Too subby to take responsibility.

BDSM is for adults only. As such, both dom and sub will be expected to behave as adults and take responsibility at some point.

Saying something like "I should have used my safeword" shows that they are taking responsibility and want to open a discussion about what made them uncomfortable. You should welcome this. But guilting you instead of communicating is a no-no.

The ability of a sub to use their safeword is also a comfort and reassurance to you as a dom. Just as they are relying on you to respect their limits, you need to be able to rely on them to express their discomfort.

Passive Manipulation.

Can be difficult to recognize but is a very big red flag and isn’t always something that can be resolved with discussion.

Clingy subs are often presented as cute, but it is unhealthy if they get angry, upset, or withdrawn when you try to assert boundaries. Especially if you have not agreed to be in an exclusive or romantic relationship.

Every individual needs time to come back to themselves. Most of us aren’t subs or doms 24/7.

How to avoid being a red flag sub

Recognizing some of these behaviors in yourself can be difficult. It comes with reflection, experience, and being comfortable with yourself first.

If you are new to BDSM, your last priority should be finding a dom. Take it easy, learn from the sidelines before jumping headfirst into the shallow end of the pool.

Most of the red flags in this list are exhibited by new, inexperienced submissives who want to engage before learning.

Am I ready for a dom?