Red Flags

This list has been made by @stardustmommy - Copyright is hers. This text has been copied with her permission.

Original list on Twitter

Red Flags

A subjective list by @stardustmommy

This is a lot

Yes, this is indeed a lot.

These red flags are more nuanced and certainly harder to describe. These are not topics that are easy to summarize or simplify but I’ve done my best.

Please feel free to share experiences, resources, or advice in the replies. An educated BDSM community is a safer one for everyone.

Cum and go.

• Leaving or disappearing after getting off.
• Not respecting aftercare. (Making sure they’re happy and okay is a form of aftercare for you as well).
• Only talking to you when they’re horny
• Being angry or upset if you don’t do or say all the right things to get them off.

My dearest doms, you are not merely a means to an orgasm. If someone makes you feel that way, it is a bad sign. It is not your responsibility to constantly be a turn on.

Very Yes

• Too agreeable, too trusting, too quick to commit.
• No limits, no expectations, no idea of what they want.
• Possibly craving attention or affections and will do anything to get it, including submitting to a dom they barely know.
• Unable to maturely negotiate kinks

Consent Confusion

Consent should not be something that anyone is confused about. No matter how cute, shy, or nervous the sub is, they should not be engaging with you sexually without your consent.

• Labeling themselves as yours, calling themselves claimed/owned/taken by you publicly without having discussed it with you.
• Sending nude pictures/videos of themselves to you without your consent.
• Calling you a title without your consent. Titles should be revered. You are not everybody’s dom. You are not everybody’s Mommy, Daddy, Sir, Mistress, Owner, Master. BDSM dynamics should only be engaged in with the consent of both parties.
• Being overtly sexual without introductions or normal interaction. This should go without saying. But sending a DM like "You make me so wet Master" should be as much of a red flag as coming up to you, a stranger, in real life and saying that to your face.

Too subby to take responsibility.

BDSM is for adults only. As such, both dom and sub will be expected to behave as adults and take responsibility at some point.

• Not using safewords during a scene but telling you later that you went too far, without taking any responsibility for not expressing their discomfort, is a major red flag.

Saying something like "I should have used my safeword" shows that they are taking responsibility and want to open a discussion about what made them uncomfortable. You should welcome this. But guilting you instead of communicating is a no-no.

The ability of a sub to use their safeword is also a comfort and reassurance to you as a dom. Just as they are relying on you to respect their limits, you need to be able to rely on them to express their discomfort.

Passive Manipulation.

Can be difficult to recognize but is a very big red flag and isn’t always something that can be resolved with discussion.

• Projecting their fantasy onto you and expecting you to play along, or be that idealized character they have in their head at all times.
• Appearing disinterested or turned off if you need reassurance or express a vulnerable emotion, i.e. if you appear human.
• Constantly demanding your attention without regard for personal boundaries. Manipulating you into spending more time with them than you can.

Clingy subs are often presented as cute, but it is unhealthy if they get angry, upset, or withdrawn when you try to assert boundaries. Especially if you have not agreed to be in an exclusive or romantic relationship.

Every individual needs time to come back to themselves. Most of us aren’t subs or doms 24/7.

How to avoid being a red flag sub

Recognizing some of these behaviors in yourself can be difficult. It comes with reflection, experience, and being comfortable with yourself first.

If you are new to BDSM, your last priority should be finding a dom. Take it easy, learn from the sidelines before jumping headfirst into the shallow end of the pool.

Most of the red flags in this list are exhibited by new, inexperienced submissives who want to engage before learning.

Am I ready for a dom?

• Do you know what you want in a relationship with a dom? Do you have clear expectations for the dynamic you want to experience? (These do not need to be kinky in nature).
• Have you made a set of limits and boundaries for yourself that you are not willing to compromise on?
• If you have not defined expectations for your dominant, you may find yourself in a very vulnerable position (and not in the sexy, Shibari sense). A submissive is not a pushover, unquestioningly compliant, or someone without a position. Relying on the dom to set the expectations for both of you can be dangerous. You need to have your own.
• If you are willing to accept any dom whose kinks are the same as yours, perhaps you need to stop and evaluate. Draw up some lists, do some research, read and learn. Yes, BDSM involves a bit of admin. But creating a safe, consensual environment with trust and understanding requires a bit of work from both the dominant and submissive’s side. Without the safety measures, it’s not BDSM, it’s abuse. Don’t put yourself in a dangerous position by simply being too eager or impatient.